The Final Day of 35

We shall see how this blog post progresses.  Will it delve into a pit of sorrow and loss?  Or rise to be a note of hope?  Or simply act as a testament on how I've come along in the past year?

Once 26th August arrived last year, I soaked in the sun and splashed about in the rain.  The lockdowns were over.  But caution was not.  Meeting people in outdoor areas and keeping one's facemask fixed were the main practices.  I was under the protection of a second COVID-19 vaccine.  And within one month I would be attending my first concert of this decade.

Yet the cracks in people were starting to show.  Myself included.  The workplace I had been within for nearly eleven years sank with entitled youth and toxic cliques.  The latter was nothing new.  Yet I misread stretched out hands for friendship.  The autumn of my thirty-fifth year was unbelievably turbulent.  Granted there were deliciously Halloween shaped cookies.  But the toxicity bubbled more than a witch's brew.  It was a curse I wasn't ready to bear.

I learnt that I couldn't trust everyone I'd like to.  When I learnt a supposed friend had twisted my words and threw them out to the one person who was always against me, my disappointment was that of untold fathoms.  Of course time has passed.  And I needed to be patient with the healing.  But the shake-up still rippled months later.

Another thing I have learnt is that this supposed friend was always going to throw me under the bus for their Queen Bee.  If it wasn't going to be then, it would have been later.  I've usually been second-best to a lot of people in my life - the fallback or the one to speak to only when everyone else clears.  And because I've been treated as such for a long time, I sometimes wonder if it's because I've felt this is the only attention I deserve?  That minimal, second-hand attention is better than none?  Or if others just generally prefer Queen Bees over me?  Actually I know the answer to that one now.

The first four months of my being thirty-five years old posed many questions about my worth, who would be my friend and whether or not I am somewhat a fool for falling to cater to certain people's requests for help; even though they would step on me as soon as look at me.

I think it's going to take more time for me to break free from this.  I guess what I have to acknowledge is that if I do anyone a favour; I cannot expect it to be returned.  Nor can I expect any degree of friendliness or approval - people are in it for themselves.  And although I want to believe there is good in all and more good than bad; these people have shown that I'm only useful when it comes to money for charity, shifts covered, information that only I hold - yet I'm the last in the line for any of these people when it comes to being included.  I should never have to continually chase someone else's approval - and I know that's a sure fire way to not get it.

As I said at the start; I'm not sure how this blog entry will end up.

Yet once the ACTUAL New Year hit; things did improve.  The toxic people who wanted nothing but chaos for me, solely so they could be entertained, were gone.  This was a fact confirmed by a figure of authority.  I had just refused a job that would have landed me with a couple of the troubling folk once again.  And with some money in my account; I made the decision I should have done long ago - I was to hand in one's notice.  "The time has come," I said as I passed a mustard coloured envelope to my manager.  That was the point of no return.

My Virgo traits do overrule me at times.  I calculated my salary, and the remaining payments that were due to me.  There were slivers of uncertainty.  The unknown was before me.  And I feared that my CV would now have a gap - a time that spoke of me being a potential lay-a-bout.

But I was at my job for over eleven years.  There were good times, great times...questionable times - and I had survived them all.

But quitting the cinema was still tough for me.  Nostalgia is a powerful drug.  And I had spent the best years of my life attending there.  When it first opened a close friend of mine worked there.  We headed there for many blockbusters.  Then I got a job there.  The amount of interesting people, friends, enemies, experiences, laughs, perks, movies and general good times I got where enough to keep me there for a long time.  I'm glad I had such wonderful years there.  I'm also glad I left on incredibly good terms.  Although things could have been very VERY different.

On 5th February of this year, I became something that I thought I'd never be.

Unemployed.

For the next two months I was able to sleep, rest, walk, read, watch television...it was a reliving of the lockdown's lifestyle.  I may have gotten too comfortable.

Once April hit I placed myself into the job market.  I was successful.  In more than one job.  Soon enough I slipped into one - for a well known television channel.  My writing skills were now flourishing.  My Virgo traits of being organised now sought to help categorise everything before me.  And although I have to take calls on occassion; my telephone manner has been praised.  I knew I could make the best of many situations.  This one took some adjusting.  There were mornings were I couldn't face reality at all.  But I've been assured that it can take up to a year to gain all the skills and navigational tools to manoeuvre within this, or any, job.

I was invited to two weddings within the past year.  Both of them had a fantasy theme.  One took place straight after the drama at work had unfolded.  Which was a welcome spark of joy. It was held at a castle in Newry.  Was rather proud to be placed on the table whose occupants dubbed it for the, "Gay Wizards."  For me it was a worthy reminder that there can be beautiful things in this world.  And that I can focus on my life - not the work I'm constantly being brought into.

The other wedding took place not three weeks ago.  In a gala hotel within the fields and meadows of Derby.  That was a a well organised and fun day. The following day one made his way through the town of Derby. I haven't spent much time there before.  For good reason.  Its main town has one decent pub with food and a shopping centre.  I found myself heading to East Midlands Airport earlier than expected.  I get more flushes of feelings there.  Stands to reason as I used it often when travelling to and from Belfast for my time at University.

I thought this trip alone would help spur me into looking at moving to the mainland UK.

And that could strongly be on the cards.  Yet for this particular moment I still have no idea what I'd like to do with my life.  All I know is that my 36th year on this Earth will be eventful.  Because I will make it that way.  The lockdown lethargy may have been dispelled on many others last year - yet I was was enjoying it still - using caution as my excuse.

I'm giving myself a huge Sláinte tonight as I 'Time Lock' this year.  The bad things that happened were meant to happen.  To give me the chance to be guarded, to be more careful and to love myself more for my own benefit.  I want to be a good influence on others.  But I've sacrificed far too much for others in the hope they give me even so much as a brief smile.

Vastly more important; the good things that happened this year were deserved to happen.  To hear some of my favourite rock songs belted out in Glasgow amongst a cyber circus of a stage.  To see love blossom and be expressed through weddings and couples who have gotten engaged.  To have met new friends.  To have started a new path in my career.  To have the time to read various books that help me see the world anew.  And to dream of finally finishing my own novel; the first of several.

I'm wishing myself the most wonderful of years ahead.  And I hope to see many of you along the way.

The Final Week of 35

At the moment Belfast's skies have been partying with all sorts. Yesterday morning I rushed to get some Vitamin D on my skin in the one single hour the sun wanted to be present. Since then it had been grey, dry, rainy, pleasant, unpleasant... Who knows what emotions the sky is dealing with?

With work reigning supreme I've not been able to give myself pleasure or leisure much. The days have been long at work. And although I've been feeling more confident, one has also felt exhausted. Four months after starting the job and I do sense the team are starting to trust me more.

But now it is Saturday. I have a drop of time to relax. Grocery shop. Socialise. And watch The Office. It's my last week of being 35 years old. And I've always treated the week to my birthday as one where I tie up loose ends. Such as finishing off box sets or returning things I've borrowed.

This past week hasn't been totally work focused. I managed to get to a Pub Quiz on Thursday. I've spoken before about the end of Summer. I met my friend Ciatriona at the Parlour, right beside Queen's University. Quiet than usual. Mainly because this is the deep breath before the plunge - the end of summer. The final couple of weeks before students all show up and the area becomes their hub again. Our group did not win this particular quiz - but I got a large pizza and Pepsi. My night was sorted.

The Queen's and Botanic area of Belfast always remind me of summer's end (as does Custom House Square). The summer before I left for University contained much love for adventure. Post my last breakup, my friend Claire and I went for coffee and cinema and charity shopping. And throughout the Queen's Film Theatre has always been a fixture - a sanctuary where I know I won't bump into people I don't wish to - and even if I do, I'm there to watch a movie.

I may try to squeeze all these items in on the one day - my actual birthday. For several reasons.

1. Carpe Diem.

2. Memories.

3. I need to walk a lot more and everyday. The working-from-home lifestyle has seen me put on weight. I hope I can still speedwalk.

Yet for this day I need a little more rest. What with the amount of work I've done in the past week, it's only natural to need to enjoy the silence.

Yet this time next week; 36 is where it all happens.

WorkWorkWorkWorkWork

With sun scorching the land and perceptions of, "good weather," across the continent; I've been sticking to my red-headed logic and have remained indoors. Although attending a job is somewhat responsible. Over my laptop I can see the children from the neighbourhood play in the street; probably enjoying the summer that seems endless.

Working from home has its perks. Yet one downside is you genuinelly see how much time is spent in a job. I often have a muted television playing behind me. Mainly because I work for this particular television channel; so I leave it on. Maybe due to a sense of loyalty. Or monitoring. Or that 24 hour news channels can burn their insignia and graphics onto the screen because of their perpetual presence. But I leave this particular channel on running. And with it I see a huge collection of shows. I'm not sure I gave into daytime television during lockdown. I find it somewhat a luxury; to be able to have free time to soak in the wholesomeness of the broadcasting.

Time management is something I'm still working on. At this time of year, close to my birthday, I do feel exhausted. With nearly another full year under my belt, I calculate whether or not I've done much. And in some ways yes I have. Managed to get to my first concert post-lockdown. Got to attend two weddings. Had major drama at my job and had to face the scary prospect that there was no one I could trust. Quit my last job with no plan on the next step. Started another job; navigating it with worry, disappointment, brewing confidence and a now worn keyboard.

But the lockdown laziness did still surround me. It may have been a balance of caution due to COVID-19 being dramatically present - and still is. If I'm being honest it may have been hesitation; because I still don't know what to do with the next step of my life. I do know now that I don't wish to be working all my life. I'm not talking about retirement. There's no guarantee I'll see that with rising retirement age, climate change and other factors. So I'm not willing to spend all my today's time working as if it'll bring me glory.

My father has "asked" me to cut the grass today. Well - suggested heavily that I have to. My first ever manager was the same. There must be something about Northern Irish men in their late fifties / early sixties where they think the ideas they have for other people (particularly younger people) to carry out will do the whole world good - but really they're serving themselves.

I may purposefully do a bad job of it so I don't have to do it again. Again - there is work that just won't benefit me too much.

The (half-way to) End of Summer

The week has had a few drops of the past. Welcome ones. Moments that have helped me seal, appreciate and see the journey that I've been through to come to the lessons I've learnt. And I feel much better about myself; that I now no longer bear any ill will towards others who have harmed me. These trials do come with a time period. Yet with giving myself more patience; I sense I'm becoming faster at recovering and learning from them.

The past two days I've not been in work. That's because my schedule fell onto this weekend. The weekend of Belfast Pride 🏳️‍🌈. It does mean I'll miss the parade. And a few friends who are gearing up to fly their rainbows high. But my best friend was in Belfast the last two days. And together we travelled to various pubs of Belfast; soaking up all the (in my case; non) alcohol choices we could. The city was ripe with crazy people. Not the sort involving Us vs Them as Belfast has contained in its past. No. This particular Thursday night my friend and I couldn't help but be faced with several people who had a derranged sense of humour. I'm not talking about finding a twisted joke funny. I'm talking about causing actual harm to other people. Sometimes it felt like Terry Pratchett's Ankh-Morpork has suddenely spilled out its craziness into the city. This is when one has to remind themselves that Pratchett bases his findings on what the world is actually like. That humans have always been chaotic. No matter which city you fall into; real or fictitous.

My friend and I found ourselves in McHughes for our last drink. Not just because it's a gorgeous looking pub; but because it's somewhat out of the way from the main City hotspots. True on Saturday nights it's difficult to get a chair. But on a Thursday my friend got to chose from several spots to ourselves. It was the perfect wind down.

And also, with it being at Custom House Square on a calm summer evening; it triggered my nostalgia.

That area always reminds me of the end of summer. The years following my University graduation; where I had gotten the first place of my own. Music festival Belsonic would feature in the last couple of summer weeks. In those days it would be held at Custom House Square. It was usually the chosen, "Rock," event I'd be in attendence to.

(2011) Thirty Seconds to Mars - terrible.

(2012) Paramore - I seemed to be the oldest there (aged 25).

(2013) Nine Inch Nails - wet. Due to rain. And an ex-lover.

(2015) (Redacted due to possibly being cancelled) - Great night as it was my birthday.

Once the gig was over I'd be off home. It would take a twenty-five minute walk. Safe. Due to a large police presence. And that a mass exodus of the crowds meant you were safe in numbers.

That bittersweet end-of-summer vibe always landed when those gigs were over.

We're currently around four weeks away from the end of summer. And the lessons I've learnt, even just this year, have been vast. The main one I'll mention here is to appreciate the bitter and the sweetness of the season's end.

But the sweetness is accelerated this year. Because my thirty-fifth year was one of the rough ones. And I may be glad to say goodbye to it. It joins my 19th year (the year of coming out) and my 22nd year (the year of trying to assert myself in the world yet was met with backlash) as one of the more difficult times. Where a small group of people felt I was expendable for their drama. That's happened before. But then maybe I need such a scorching from those people in order to know to stay away from them.

Again; another lesson. I'm very lucky to have the chance to learn them.

I sincerely hope my job is quiet today. That way I can enjoy some reading. Once I clock out, it's onto have a nice Pride 🏳️‍🌈 themed evening with a huge slice of rainbow cake and whichever queer related movies happen to look good.

So I'm wishing Belfast a very happy Pride. I just hope the crazies I mentioned before find something on television for today to keep them from causing harm.

If Party Rings are involved; I guess it's some kind of celebration

"I need this weekend to be exceedingly simple," I told myself yesterday.  Once I clicked, "Clock out," on my work's Timetable, I rushed every thought concerning my job out of my head.

Naturally a few items linger.  I sometimes worry that I've bought into the mundanity of a regular job.  That sitting for hours in front of screen navigating through administrational duties will slightly cyborg me.  But there are enjoyable moments.  Times where my creative flare is employed.  And when my pragmatism comes out to help someone; even if I'm learning for myself.  Hey; I'm someone too.

I'm still cooking at this job.  Skills are still being absorbed and learnt.  Techniques and tricks are picked up.  And I'm nowhere near as full of panic anytime the phone rings or a complex request comes in.  So with all this in mind, I tell myself that I'm heading in the right direction.

But it's a Saturday.  As if that means anything.  Next Saturday I will be working.  But right now is a time when I'm not clocked in.  And if there's anything I've learnt from previous jobs; I should not be carrying my work with me during my free time.  Which is why when the call for overtime was offered; I told myself that it would be a flat, "No."  I may be trying to save money; but am also in need of saving my soul.  By nourishing it with the world around and within me.  The last two year's lockdowns have proven to me that although I'm good at working; I don't wish to be constantly at it.  Especially after a decade where I did an excess of it.

My thought process is much more on what I have now.  And maybe a little for the future.  That a new chapter will soon be starting.  But mainly for now.  The health I have to enjoy.  The books I've bought in large amounts.  Even my cooking habits reflect this.  By becoming creative with what's present; I'm trying to make the best of what I have - instead of wishing for what I don't.

But the job's hooking-me-to-a-laptop has taken its toll.  It can be a hard process to continuously stick to.  Notably because my previous jobs have been so active and interactive.  On the plus side I do find my own creative writing a lot more pleasurable.

Yet my job is not the only reason I have felt the brunt of exhaustion.

Last week I felt my perpetual singlehood playing with my head.  Ninety-five percent of the time I'm grand being single.

Last Sunday night was the other five percent.

During last weekend I congratulated three people on either their engagement or gaining a boyfriend.  I spoke with another friend about this; and although he's also in a relationship, he did agree with me.  It can be exhausting congratulating everyone as they pair up.  Yet it's always the one way.  No one ever congratulates those who are single on such a lifestyle*.  And I know what a wonderful lifestyle it can be.

But with experiencing that on a Sunday night, before starting a five day run at a job that does need constant attention; Friday evening could not come soon enough.  Once it did arrive, I went on a walk, made a light dinner and was in bed with some radio politics talkshow that lulled me to sleep.  Saturday morning, well rested I indulged in some duvet time at 6:00am.  Rising up I washed my hair.  Spent some time wondering if it will ever have those curls I had when I was sixteen years old.  And headed out for a walk under Belfast's troubling grey skies.  They have yet to erupt with their tears.  Only a matter of time.

Today I have placed myself to my laptop.  And I hope to place various dreams upon the page.  So that I can prove to myself that mundanity doesn't have much of a chance to grip me.

Cher's late 90's hit Believe is playing on a Pride 🌈 playlist that I have on in the background.  I suppose I should take a leaf from the lyrics in such.  Though I have been single for nearly nine years.  And sometimes I'm itching to prove myself on these matters.  Other times I know the reality of there is nothing intrinsically wrong with me; and that I shouldn't be in any hurry for such.  Especially considering the potential I have to really change things within this year.  These latter thoughts and a wealth of (my own and other's) experience has kept me from investing in dating apps.  Which I feel is somewhat another triumph for me.  I am not spending my nights scrolling through profiles of people who have no interest in speaking with me.  As I mentioned, I spent last night getting to sleep early.  And my body and mind are much more nourished that what a night of nothing on apps would have done.

So once I'm settled in for tonight I shall have a frugal time with LGBTQIA+ films and Party Rings.  No doubt will try to arrange these in a rainbow colour scheme.  I shall use the largest mug I have for herbal teas.  And hold it, with my sense of self, close.

I may be single but I can still experience some kind of love.

*Although I've heard of the odd divorcee congratulating another recently divorced individual.