And how disastrous it has been.
So this is probably my attempt to get ahead before everyone else.
Life is, among other things, about learning.
In my life I have learnt my tougher (and more favourite) lessons after hardship.
This year I have faced a crash in finances due to leaving one of my two jobs. But this has only fueled my love of what's free in life. Libraries are a Godsend. Am currently writing this blog in the top level of Belfast's Central library. It's warm. Quiet. Surrounded by Irish Heritage and Music. Which I promise myself to dive into once I reach the new year. There will always be a book available to enjoy here.
With less finances I had to eliminate Virgin Media. Another Godsend - because replay television could easily sap my reading time. Now I have the BBC - and thanks to BBC iPlayer I always feel better about my TV Licence Fee. Sure the BBC don't always get it right. But they try to supply entertainment and education for all demographs. And then this leads to BBC Radio. This list could go on.
What I'm trying to write here is that my finances may have collapsed, but my world has opened up.
One has also only learned that I'm going to be a lot more centered on myself.
Have recently just returned from New York with my mother. She hasn't had a holiday in nigh on thirty years. Maybe the odd weekend away but nothing major. So when I told her I would love to see New York and asked if she'd like to join, she jumped at the chance.
But once there she found the entire city overwhelming. And soon enough I discovered that this was no longer my trip to New York, but hers. Which was fine for me once I accepted this fact. But as much as I tried to be useful to my mother's needs, it was hard. Not difficult, but hard enough. Because I then had to sacrifice any of my interests to ensure she was catered for.
Once I returned to Belfast I found myself thinking about what I wanted for my life. For too long I have been set about making sure other people are happy. And sometimes when you're not successful, you wonder if trying to do the right thing is worth it.
This is by no means a way of becoming selfish. But I do owe it to myself to be honest, genuine and loyal to my own dreams.
But my biggest lesson this year wasn't actually to do directly with me.
Brexit has become the most talked about political event in the UK in my lifetime. Normally in the past elections are held, parties get in and by Christmas we're all happy to accept a new year of turmoil.
This year feels different. Only yesterday was it announced that Article 50 would be certainly triggered in March. For a lot of us in the UK who wanted to Remain within the EU, this Christmas will feel surreal. I guarantee certain folk are still not happy with their families who disagreed with them. More than likely younger generations who feel betrayed by parents or grandparents, according to the known statistics in age groups and their voting patterns.
Theresa May, the current Prime Minister for the United Kingdom, has strangely been the voice of reason to me. Earlier this year, before she was to meet with the European Council, she stated, "the British people have made a decision and it's right and proper than the decision is honoured".
In reference to the EU Referendum I disagree. I know for a fact that a number of people regretted voting 'Leave' and another number of people who didn't voted now regretted not doing so. Our voice is usually now put on low.
But in the timeline of my learning, this statement served as a lesson for something else.
No doubt anyone who knows me knows of the (probably boring) tales of my "lovelife". Usually I parallel them into my own fantasy tales to give them more spice. I usually as the hero.
I have fallen in love, unrequitedly, three times between the ages of eighteen to thirty. And after each time I beat myself up about it.
What did I do wrong?
What's wrong with me?
Why can't I have them?
Many other questions appear. All of which help me to be self-deprecating.
But after Brexit this year I have also learnt that to the ones I have fallen for, they did not choose to fall for me back. In the more stronger cases they chose to lead me on. Which is wrong. However - it was their choice to do that. I although I don't honour their decision, I do have to accept it.
And learn from it.
From my family, my friends, the people who used to be my friends and those who I may have had an eye on in terms of affection - whatever their choice in life in how they treat me and how they live; I have to accept it.
But here's the rub.
Whatever I choose to do with my life, also has to be accepted by them.
For far too long I have wanted to do certain things but was held back because I felt it would disappoint or arouse suspicion. And looking at it now, I feel that I could do much more with my life if I didn't have such restrictive means of living. Granted not everyone will like what I do - but I guarantee I won't do anything illegal. And I as long as I keep consideration in mind for other people. I said I was going to be more centered. Not selfish.
I will be updating this blog more often. So no doubt I will tell of my Christmas tree and Bibliography and, possibly the weather if my life gets very dull. But I will also be thinking of myself, what I wanted to have in life and even possibly making a stab at going for it. It's up to me. And I have to make the right choices.
If I make the wrong ones I'll learn from it.
If I make the right ones I'll gain from it.
I will make them however. And that's how I respect myself.
