Once 26th August arrived last year, I soaked in the sun and splashed about in the rain. The lockdowns were over. But caution was not. Meeting people in outdoor areas and keeping one's facemask fixed were the main practices. I was under the protection of a second COVID-19 vaccine. And within one month I would be attending my first concert of this decade.
Yet the cracks in people were starting to show. Myself included. The workplace I had been within for nearly eleven years sank with entitled youth and toxic cliques. The latter was nothing new. Yet I misread stretched out hands for friendship. The autumn of my thirty-fifth year was unbelievably turbulent. Granted there were deliciously Halloween shaped cookies. But the toxicity bubbled more than a witch's brew. It was a curse I wasn't ready to bear.
I learnt that I couldn't trust everyone I'd like to. When I learnt a supposed friend had twisted my words and threw them out to the one person who was always against me, my disappointment was that of untold fathoms. Of course time has passed. And I needed to be patient with the healing. But the shake-up still rippled months later.
Another thing I have learnt is that this supposed friend was always going to throw me under the bus for their Queen Bee. If it wasn't going to be then, it would have been later. I've usually been second-best to a lot of people in my life - the fallback or the one to speak to only when everyone else clears. And because I've been treated as such for a long time, I sometimes wonder if it's because I've felt this is the only attention I deserve? That minimal, second-hand attention is better than none? Or if others just generally prefer Queen Bees over me? Actually I know the answer to that one now.
The first four months of my being thirty-five years old posed many questions about my worth, who would be my friend and whether or not I am somewhat a fool for falling to cater to certain people's requests for help; even though they would step on me as soon as look at me.
I think it's going to take more time for me to break free from this. I guess what I have to acknowledge is that if I do anyone a favour; I cannot expect it to be returned. Nor can I expect any degree of friendliness or approval - people are in it for themselves. And although I want to believe there is good in all and more good than bad; these people have shown that I'm only useful when it comes to money for charity, shifts covered, information that only I hold - yet I'm the last in the line for any of these people when it comes to being included. I should never have to continually chase someone else's approval - and I know that's a sure fire way to not get it.
As I said at the start; I'm not sure how this blog entry will end up.
Yet once the ACTUAL New Year hit; things did improve. The toxic people who wanted nothing but chaos for me, solely so they could be entertained, were gone. This was a fact confirmed by a figure of authority. I had just refused a job that would have landed me with a couple of the troubling folk once again. And with some money in my account; I made the decision I should have done long ago - I was to hand in one's notice. "The time has come," I said as I passed a mustard coloured envelope to my manager. That was the point of no return.
My Virgo traits do overrule me at times. I calculated my salary, and the remaining payments that were due to me. There were slivers of uncertainty. The unknown was before me. And I feared that my CV would now have a gap - a time that spoke of me being a potential lay-a-bout.
But I was at my job for over eleven years. There were good times, great times...questionable times - and I had survived them all.
But quitting the cinema was still tough for me. Nostalgia is a powerful drug. And I had spent the best years of my life attending there. When it first opened a close friend of mine worked there. We headed there for many blockbusters. Then I got a job there. The amount of interesting people, friends, enemies, experiences, laughs, perks, movies and general good times I got where enough to keep me there for a long time. I'm glad I had such wonderful years there. I'm also glad I left on incredibly good terms. Although things could have been very VERY different.
On 5th February of this year, I became something that I thought I'd never be.
Unemployed.
For the next two months I was able to sleep, rest, walk, read, watch television...it was a reliving of the lockdown's lifestyle. I may have gotten too comfortable.
Once April hit I placed myself into the job market. I was successful. In more than one job. Soon enough I slipped into one - for a well known television channel. My writing skills were now flourishing. My Virgo traits of being organised now sought to help categorise everything before me. And although I have to take calls on occassion; my telephone manner has been praised. I knew I could make the best of many situations. This one took some adjusting. There were mornings were I couldn't face reality at all. But I've been assured that it can take up to a year to gain all the skills and navigational tools to manoeuvre within this, or any, job.
I was invited to two weddings within the past year. Both of them had a fantasy theme. One took place straight after the drama at work had unfolded. Which was a welcome spark of joy. It was held at a castle in Newry. Was rather proud to be placed on the table whose occupants dubbed it for the, "Gay Wizards." For me it was a worthy reminder that there can be beautiful things in this world. And that I can focus on my life - not the work I'm constantly being brought into.
The other wedding took place not three weeks ago. In a gala hotel within the fields and meadows of Derby. That was a a well organised and fun day. The following day one made his way through the town of Derby. I haven't spent much time there before. For good reason. Its main town has one decent pub with food and a shopping centre. I found myself heading to East Midlands Airport earlier than expected. I get more flushes of feelings there. Stands to reason as I used it often when travelling to and from Belfast for my time at University.
I thought this trip alone would help spur me into looking at moving to the mainland UK.
And that could strongly be on the cards. Yet for this particular moment I still have no idea what I'd like to do with my life. All I know is that my 36th year on this Earth will be eventful. Because I will make it that way. The lockdown lethargy may have been dispelled on many others last year - yet I was was enjoying it still - using caution as my excuse.
I'm giving myself a huge Sláinte tonight as I 'Time Lock' this year. The bad things that happened were meant to happen. To give me the chance to be guarded, to be more careful and to love myself more for my own benefit. I want to be a good influence on others. But I've sacrificed far too much for others in the hope they give me even so much as a brief smile.
Vastly more important; the good things that happened this year were deserved to happen. To hear some of my favourite rock songs belted out in Glasgow amongst a cyber circus of a stage. To see love blossom and be expressed through weddings and couples who have gotten engaged. To have met new friends. To have started a new path in my career. To have the time to read various books that help me see the world anew. And to dream of finally finishing my own novel; the first of several.
I'm wishing myself the most wonderful of years ahead. And I hope to see many of you along the way.
