Naturally a few items linger. I sometimes worry that I've bought into the mundanity of a regular job. That sitting for hours in front of screen navigating through administrational duties will slightly cyborg me. But there are enjoyable moments. Times where my creative flare is employed. And when my pragmatism comes out to help someone; even if I'm learning for myself. Hey; I'm someone too.
I'm still cooking at this job. Skills are still being absorbed and learnt. Techniques and tricks are picked up. And I'm nowhere near as full of panic anytime the phone rings or a complex request comes in. So with all this in mind, I tell myself that I'm heading in the right direction.
But it's a Saturday. As if that means anything. Next Saturday I will be working. But right now is a time when I'm not clocked in. And if there's anything I've learnt from previous jobs; I should not be carrying my work with me during my free time. Which is why when the call for overtime was offered; I told myself that it would be a flat, "No." I may be trying to save money; but am also in need of saving my soul. By nourishing it with the world around and within me. The last two year's lockdowns have proven to me that although I'm good at working; I don't wish to be constantly at it. Especially after a decade where I did an excess of it.
My thought process is much more on what I have now. And maybe a little for the future. That a new chapter will soon be starting. But mainly for now. The health I have to enjoy. The books I've bought in large amounts. Even my cooking habits reflect this. By becoming creative with what's present; I'm trying to make the best of what I have - instead of wishing for what I don't.
But the job's hooking-me-to-a-laptop has taken its toll. It can be a hard process to continuously stick to. Notably because my previous jobs have been so active and interactive. On the plus side I do find my own creative writing a lot more pleasurable.
Yet my job is not the only reason I have felt the brunt of exhaustion.
Last week I felt my perpetual singlehood playing with my head. Ninety-five percent of the time I'm grand being single.
Last Sunday night was the other five percent.
During last weekend I congratulated three people on either their engagement or gaining a boyfriend. I spoke with another friend about this; and although he's also in a relationship, he did agree with me. It can be exhausting congratulating everyone as they pair up. Yet it's always the one way. No one ever congratulates those who are single on such a lifestyle*. And I know what a wonderful lifestyle it can be.
But with experiencing that on a Sunday night, before starting a five day run at a job that does need constant attention; Friday evening could not come soon enough. Once it did arrive, I went on a walk, made a light dinner and was in bed with some radio politics talkshow that lulled me to sleep. Saturday morning, well rested I indulged in some duvet time at 6:00am. Rising up I washed my hair. Spent some time wondering if it will ever have those curls I had when I was sixteen years old. And headed out for a walk under Belfast's troubling grey skies. They have yet to erupt with their tears. Only a matter of time.
Today I have placed myself to my laptop. And I hope to place various dreams upon the page. So that I can prove to myself that mundanity doesn't have much of a chance to grip me.
Cher's late 90's hit Believe is playing on a Pride 🌈 playlist that I have on in the background. I suppose I should take a leaf from the lyrics in such. Though I have been single for nearly nine years. And sometimes I'm itching to prove myself on these matters. Other times I know the reality of there is nothing intrinsically wrong with me; and that I shouldn't be in any hurry for such. Especially considering the potential I have to really change things within this year. These latter thoughts and a wealth of (my own and other's) experience has kept me from investing in dating apps. Which I feel is somewhat another triumph for me. I am not spending my nights scrolling through profiles of people who have no interest in speaking with me. As I mentioned, I spent last night getting to sleep early. And my body and mind are much more nourished that what a night of nothing on apps would have done.
So once I'm settled in for tonight I shall have a frugal time with LGBTQIA+ films and Party Rings. No doubt will try to arrange these in a rainbow colour scheme. I shall use the largest mug I have for herbal teas. And hold it, with my sense of self, close.
I may be single but I can still experience some kind of love.
*Although I've heard of the odd divorcee congratulating another recently divorced individual.
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